Most children and young people sometimes challenge their parents’ requests. At the age of two, children begin to be aware of their individuality and have more mental and verbal resources to argue why they do not want to do something imposed by their parents. It should be noted that “disobeying” is part of the growth process and tests the rules and expectations of adults. It is one of the ways in which children learn and discover themselves, express their individuality and achieve a sense of autonomy, knowing the limits of the rules of their adults and their own self-control. The problem is when occasional actions become a pattern of interaction between parents and children.
It is necessary to become aware that “obeying” is not something innate in humans or that we do spontaneously, but is based on a continuous learning process about the rules, the limits and the consequences that we obtain from complying with them or not.
Disobedience can have multiple causes. There may be irrational expectations on the part of the parents, or it may be the temperament of the child (and if so, it will be necessary to observe it in its development), or perhaps they have school problems, family stress, or… It is necessary to find out and detect where the difficulty lies, as well as stop the disobedience from becoming usual and a problem.
According to a study published in the Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, disobedience is a problem that affects 13% of children and adolescents worldwide. With regard to Spain, according to data from the Autonomous University of Madrid, this problem affects 25% of children.
The symptoms of disobedience may vary depending on the age of the child. In general, they are characterized by the refusal to comply with the rules established by parents or educators. Some of the most common symptoms are:
Refusing to obey instructions: They usually reject the instructions of parents or educators. For example, they may refuse to go to bed, do homework, or help with household chores.
Answering in a defiant way: Disobedient children often answer parents or educators in a defiant way. For example, they may respond with a “no” or a “I don’t care.”
“Throwing tantrums”: Tantrums are a form of disobedience that usually occurs in young children. Children who do it often scream, cry and kick when they don’t get what they want.
Insulting or threatening:
Disobedient children may insult or threaten parents or educators.
Ignoring the consequences: They often ignore the consequences of their actions. E.g. continue doing what they want after they have been told not to do it.
In addition, disobedient minors are more likely (usual) to have attention difficulties, behavioral problems at school, and relationship problems with peers.
How can parents act to manage this problem?
It is important that parents know how to detect disobedience and manage it appropriately. Here are some recommendations:
- Establish clear and consistent limits: Children need to know what is expected of them. The limits must be clear, consistent and fair.
- Be consistent in complying with the consequences: When a child disobeys, it is important that the derived facts (the consequences) previously established are fulfilled. This will help the child learn that their actions have consequences.
- Avoid yelling and threats: Yelling and threats are often counterproductive. Instead, it is better to talk to the child calmly and explain why their behavior is not acceptable.
- Set a good example: Children learn by observing adults. It is important that parents set a good example of behavior.
Disobedience is a normal adaptive behavior in children. However, when it becomes a habitual problem, it is important that parents take steps to manage it. By choosing clear, consistent and fair limits, and avoiding yelling and threats, parents can help their children learn to behave appropriately.
We invite you to listen to our Doctor of Psychology, Nuria Ros, in La Tarde con Marina to expand on these guidelines and recommendations. At Dide.org we are experts in detecting educational, emotional and behavioral potential and difficulties early in order to intervene. You can access the diagnostic tool in this link.
